This is the first of several informational pieces on perfectionism.
On the occasion I happen to ask someone if they are a perfectionist, the response varies from a strong “. . . no,” to a strong “. . . yes,” to “. . . I know that perfection isn’t realistic, but I guess I do aim for it.” This is often followed with the disclaimer, “But, I’m not a perfectionist in everything I do.”
Perfectionism is not about being perfect. We all know 100% perfection is an unattainable goal. So what’s going on? What is perfectionism?
According to Antony and Swinson in their book When Perfect Isn’t Good Enough, the perfectionist is relentless in their drive for extremely high standards for themselves and sometimes for others. Further, the perfectionist’s self-worth is dependent on their achieving these unrelenting high standards, and finally the negative consequences of continuing to strive for those standards despite the huge cost to themselves. Again:
- Unrelenting high standards, and unrelenting striving to achieve them.
- Self-worth dependent on achieving these high standards.
- Striving toward the standards in the face of huge cost to themselves.
So what’s wrong with high standards? Nothing. Most of us want to do the best job we can. Having high achievable goals helps us work toward and reach those goals. To achieve what we want in life, planning and working hard is how we get there.
Setting standards for excellence is healthy.
Because we are human, inevitably, imperfection (read, failure to the perfectionist) occurs. When that happens the self-worth of the perfectionist takes a dive. The perfectionist’s response is usually to push even harder, goading themselves with negative self-talk, and insistent put-downs.
Not so surprising the perfectionist may find themselves in burn-out, feeling anxious and depressed, with intense feelings of failure and despair.
The following are some behaviors seen in perfectionism:
Indecisiveness, frequently seeking reassurance, giving up too soon, excessive organizing and list making, procrastination, attempting to change others, correcting others, repeatedly checking their work, failure to delegate, avoidance, etc.
What To Do?
The first step is to learn about perfectionism. Begin to understand how your behaviors and thoughts perpetuate perfectionism. Challenge the perfectionist inside you by taking small steps toward change. Ask for help. Accept being human.