Habits and Coupled Relationships
Humans are habitual creatures. We develop habits almost immediately upon birth. Things like feeding times, play time, brushing our teeth, getting up, and so on. Some habits are beneficial and some habits are meant to be left behind. All habits have a couple of things in common, once a habit develops, it is not fully in our awareness anymore, and it is hard to change.
Just as individuals develop habits, people who live together develop habits of relating with each other. Simple things like knowing who is starting the coffee in the morning (or in today’s world, going to Starbucks to get the coffee) may become a ritual; calling or texting each other during the work day; taking turns to make or pick-up dinner; or pick-up the kids from soccer practice; are routine, but not necessarily habitual.
Collapsing in front of the TV or computer screen night after night after the kids are in bed can quickly become a habit. Giving your partner a quick peck on the cheek rather than a conscious embrace goodbye in the morning becomes habitual. Ignoring your partner’s request for affection or sex becomes habitual. Having disagreements which never get solved or even mediated; not having date nights; always putting the kids wants (not needs) first; or no longer really listening to complaints are all habits couples fall into.
Here are some tips for avoiding habits in the relationship:
*Notice what goes on between you and your partner. How do you to greet each other at the end of the day? How do you say goodbye at its beginning? Where do you both gravitate to after the children are in bed? How do you end your day together? Are there habitual ways of arguing?
*After taking inventory of various behaviors, ask yourself how you feel about the way in which you and your partner behave with each other.
*If you notice some ways of relating you may be unhappy with, talk to your partner.
Approach the talk from a non-blaming point of view. Use ‘I’ statements. Let your partner know how you feel, and what you may want to change.
*Practice mindfulness in your relationship.