Dale Kay Lillak, Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
This article was first printed in the September-October 1997 issue of New Times Magazine, a Forum for Addiction Prevention, Treatment, and Recovery Related Issues in San Jose.
Not long ago I spoke to a woman on the phone about the recent violence in her life. She and her husband had both been sober for a couple of years, and now he had begun to drink again. With the return of his alcohol abuse, came domestic violence. It seemed important to her that I understand his violence toward her, “. . . only happened when he was drunk.” I listened to her carefully, offering supports, and never doubted what she had to tell me.
Because of my work in domestic violence, I have had the opportunity to speak to police officers, judges, and probation officers about their observations regarding domestic violence and substance abuse. What these people tell me, appears to follow what most of us believe to be “common sense.” Alcohol, drugs and domestic violence seem to go hand-in-hand. Yet there appears to be a paradox often missed in our common sense approach to this problem. We cannot explain the thousands of people who are addicted to alcohol or drugs, and have never been violent to a stranger or a loved one. Not to mention the thousands of acts of domestic violence that do not involve alcohol or drug use.
When we are under the influence of any mood altering substance, our inhibitions are lowered. We tend to say and do things we later regret or even disavow. Our thinking becomes distorted, and we misunderstand other people’s intentions. The idea of consequences can be lost in the here and now. The effects of intoxication, has often been mistakenly confused as the cause of domestic violence. However, domestic violence is not a random act committed by a drunk who doesn’t know what he is doing. Domestic violence is quite selective. The selected target is usually a wife or girlfriend or significant other; not a boss, a coworker, or a friend.
Intoxication does not cause the violence. It does, however, increase the level of violence. According to David Smith, President of the Ashbury Free Clinics, 50% of all domestic violence, that ends in death, correlates with alcohol and/or drug use at the time of the assault. Alcohol and methamphetamine being the primary drugs of abuse. Dr. Smith further states that 95% of these murder victims are women.
In the past ten years attempts to understand the causes of domestic violence have resulted in an inclusive, broad view of this perplexing and dangerous problem. What has come to the forefront of our understanding of domestic violence, is a set of factors that include cultural attitudes and beliefs about violence, personal power in intimate relationships, and alcohol and other drugs.
Most cultures around the world, including our own, function on the notion that someone must be in charge. The hierarchy concept appears at all levels of our world; at work we have a boss, our government has a president, the military has its generals, and traditionally the man was the head of the household. Paolo Ferreri, sociologist and teacher, studied this phenomenon extensively in Brazil, and his work was the basis for much of the current trend in thinking about domestic violence in this country. Power and control enter intimate relationships, just as power and control is experienced at work and in our government, through the belief someone must be in charge. Being in charge usually means having the power to make decisions and be in control. Personal power is a highly motivating force within all humans. Power is sometimes misused. When the misuse of power enters an intimate relationship where violence is viewed as the final means of taking control, the physically stronger and more aggressive person rises to the top of the relationship hierarchy.
The misuse of power in a relationship appears in many areas besides physical violence. Physical violence is often the last route used to exert control. Domestic violence occurs on a continuum of increasing control tactics. Emotional abuse, economic abuse, intimidation, coercion, and using children to retaliate against the partner, are a form of domestic violence. Sexual abuse and violence are common in relationships where power and control are the dominant theme.
Traditionally in our culture, the use of alcohol represents the move from adolescence into adulthood.
Because alcoholism and drug addiction can have devastating effects on the individual and on families, any behavior that occurs in tandem has a tendency to be seen as the result of the substance abuse or intoxication. This view has resulted in the neglect of women who arrive in hospital emergency rooms with injuries sustained through domestic violence. Studies have shown, that if a woman is under the influence at the time of an emergency room visit, the injuries are often not accurately assessed. At every level of potential intervention, her intoxication becomes the problem, not the violence that has been perpetrated upon her.
Understanding the connection between substance abuse and domestic violence is important so that accurate assessment and treatment can be obtained for both the victim and the perpetrator. For example, family counseling is often part of a recovery program, but family counseling where domestic violence has occurred, can be dangerous. Referring to a victim of domestic violence as a codependent, implies she has taken part in her own victimization. Victims of domestic violence tend to accept blame for the violence, and the codependent label reinforces this tendency.
Exaggerated personal need for power and control, attitudes that violence is an option, coupled with a cultural principal of hierarchy rather than consensus, can lead to violence in any intimate relationship.
Power, in same sex relationships, often surfaces with threats to expose the partners’ sexual preference to family and employer, as a means of control. The violence continues with the victim trapped by the violence and the threats of exposure. While domestic violence is vastly underreported in opposite sex relationships, within same sex relationships, just reporting can be difficult. The beliefs and attitudes, of the attending police officer, regarding same sex relationships, may inhibit an accurate assessment of the violence. This can result in no arrest or intervention being made.
Domestic violence continues to be one of the leading causes of injury to women in this country. It is estimated that at least 50% of all women in the United States will experience at least one incident of domestic violence in her lifetime. Children from violent homes are neglected and abused at astounding rates. Alcohol and drug abuse are connected to these incidents of violence at least 50% of the time.
October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month